Boromir's Fantastic Idea
by Phoenix-Infinite
Summary: Boromir comes up with an amazing plan that, if carried out successfully, will save the fellowship many pains and hardships in their quest to destroy the one ring and to save all of ME. The question is, will he succeed? ...Or will he drive the rest of the fellowship insane? IN-PROGRESS. Humour/Parody. Rated T. Boromir & The Fellowship.
1. A Certain Son of Denethor

**Disclaimer:**Sadly,I do not own Lord of The Rings or any associated character. If I did, I'm sure I would admire myself a hell of a lot more than I currently do.

**Summary: **Boromir comes up with an amazing plan that, if carried out successfully, will save the fellowship many pains and hardships in their quest to destroy the one ring and to save all of ME. The question is, will he succeed? ...Or will he drive the rest of the fellowship insane? COMPLETE. Humour/Parody. Rated T. Boromir & Aragon.

**Author's Note:**Sooo... this is my very first LOTR fanfic (okay, well technically it isn't, but that's a WAY different story! _*No, you cannot, and will not hear about it, Nicole!_) Anyways, I got the idea from a very funny LOTR comic strip I found while browsing DA, so hardly anything I've written here is of my original idea, lol (and wasn't I the one bitching about people not being original?! _*I can hear you laughing, Nicole. AND IT ISIN'T FUNNY, YOU TURD!_). _ANYWAYS, _I'm going to have to cut this off short because if I don't, it'll go on forever and ever and ever. _Dedicated to Nicole. _Includes all members of the Fellowship, though more elusively Boromir, and a brief Elrond appearance. Rated T for various curse words and even more curse words. Enjoy!

**Boromir's Fantastic Idea**

_By: Phoenix-Infinite (Black-Paper-M00n)_

«How about a catapult?»

_«A catapult?»_

«Yeah, how about we hurl the stupid ring right into Mordor? Straight over Sauron's defences!

Aragorn groaned, eyeing the obnoxiously loud son of Denethor with a look that suggested he were adressing a particularly stupid orc.

«That's stupid.»

Opposite him, Boromir made a rude face, crossing his arms with a little huff.

«Well I don't see you coming up with anything!»

Resting a hand on Boromir's arm, Aragorn regarded the warrior tiredly, his voice monotone with extreme boredom. _I'm surrounded by idiots._

«Calm down, son of Denethor, we need not raise our voices.»

The latter did quite the opposite. Marching across the circle until he was hovering a few inches away from Aragorn's face. The ranger couldn't help noting that he resembled a constipated beaver, the way he was straining in anger and all.

«No! No, I WILL NOT calm down!» He bellowed furiously, spraying Aragorn's face with spit. «YOU KNOW WHAT? I DON'T EVEN NEED YOUR RING OR THIS STUPID FELLOWSHIP!»

He continued on like this for some time until-

«BOROMIR, FOR GOD'S SAKE, SHUT UP!»

Gandalf stood up swiftly, looking rather weary of it all. Boromir muttered a rude word under his breath, making sure to step on the Ranger's foot as he stormed back across the circle, sitting down again with annoyed sigh.

«Fine.» Glancing around at the shocked council members, he choose instead, to drone out the remainder of the discussion by keeping tabs on how many times Gimli snored.

_AN HOUR LATER..._

«Very well, it shall be done.»

Elrond raised a slender brow, completely disgusted at the councils's final decisions (he'd make it a point to disband the council as soon as he could). Turning his gaze to Boromir (who was staring intently at Gimli in an extremely concentrated manner), the elf lord raised his voice, trying not to choke as he declared the members of the fellowship and how they would be disposing of the accursed ring.

«Boromir, son of Denethor, you will catapult the ring into the depths of mount doom and end this reign of darkness once and for all. May the stars guide you brightly.»

_LATER..._

Boromir grinned widely, adding the final touches to the giant-sized catapult stationed outside his father's palace. He knew it had been a good idea, had he not_ told_ them from the start? He'd show them!

«Quit your bitching, Ranger.» He added confidently, turning to Frodo for the final element of construction.

Aragorn ignored him, continuing to whine about it as much as he could. It really _was_ the stupidest thing he had ever done, and that was saying something. Groaning, he crossed his arms and turned his back on the whole thing.

«I am in no way associated to any of this.» He wouldn't help any of them even if they promised him a make-out session with Arwen. Well, _maybe..._

«Alright short stuff, cough up the ring!»

«Yes, Boromir!» Frodo hurriedly handed over the ring, wanting to get away from the man as quickly as he could.

«Ready?» The son of Denethor pulled back, struggling to hold it and aim at the same time. _Cocky Ranger, I wouldn't mind some help, you stuck-up bastard!_

_Oh, fuck it. Like I need him anyways._

Boromir let the catapult fly, shading his eyes to better trace the ring's trajectory as it whizzed past them.

**Author's**** Notes:** This was extremely amusing to write. **_Follow and review_** or else Boromir will take your ring and catapult it into the wild blue yonder.


	2. Nice Shooting, Faggot

**Disclaimer : **Once again, I DO NOT own LOTR. Sadly.

**Author's Note : **I'm exhausted. Eeep ! Please review, fave, and follow for more of Boromir's idiotic antics.

*SPLUD*

Boromir swore. The ring had swerved wildly half-way through and was now on a direct course with the Caradhras mountains. It collided. Scratching his head nervously, Boromir turned to address the less-than impressed fellowship which now rounded on him furiously.

«Nice shooting, faggot. You fired it into the fucking mountains!»

Gandalf was white with rage, and the wizard raised his staff menacingly as he yelled, making Boromir's ears bleed.

«Damn.» He muttered absently, glancing sideways at Aragorn, who looked seriously pissed about the whole thing. «Frodo's going to have to go get it back.» He was about to walk away when Aragorn punched him in the arm, a look of impatience on his husky face.

«You fired it, wonderboy. _YOU _go get it!» He shook his head, wondering who let the blithering idiot in front of him become a freaking warrior in the first place. Aragorn eyed Legolas (who had been silent the entire time, a look of pure confusion plastered to his elfin face) with a look that suggested they ditch as soon as possible, and went back to his sulking.

«Gaylord.» Boromir stormed off, swishing his travelling cloak around him dramatically as he went. _I'll show you!_

Legolas nodded at Aragorn, pleased to see that the ranger was suffering as well. Turning, the elf followed Boromir's retreating back until it had reached the limits of his vision. However, the warrior was no yet out of earshot, and Legolas found himself wishing he were deaf for the first time in his 5000 years of life.

(To make your reading experience less revolting, I have simply written a small fraction of what was uttered by the almighty son of Denethor whilst we was retrieving the ring.)

_Stupid *Ngh* Ring... Fellowship my ass... Fucking rangers and their fucking cockiness... Moronic hobbits... Stupid wizard... Son of bitch! What the hell's with all this fucking snow!? ...Ahh, there it is!_

_LATER STILL..._

A day (and most of the afternoon) had gone by before Boromir returned from Caradhras, the one ring loped around one gloved finger, which he twirled repeatedly, muttering words like «trajectory», and «hobbits» under his breath. _Something that small... hmmm, it's really quite hard to follow... the thing really needs some sort of guidance system._

Realizing that most of the Fellowship had ditched, he swore to slaughter the lot of them before being confronted by a wary-looking Frodo (ever loyal, bless him!).

«Umm, Boromir? The ring please?» Frodo was seriously beginning to hate and fear the mad man in front of him, but there was nothing he could do about it, and the poor hobbit figured Elrond would be angered if he ran away as well. He _was_ after all, the ring bearer.

Boromir however, suddenly seemed to have put two and two together. He glanced first at Frodo, then at the ring, and finally at the empty catapult, then back at Frodo again. A very wicked smile spread across his face as he forced the ring into Frodo's hands (which had begun to shake in realization). Boromir had found his perfect guiding system.

_FIVE AND A HALF SECONDS LATER_

(Because Frodo kicked Boromir in the groin area and he spent half a minute swearing like hell before succeeding in tying up or poor hobbit.)

«Shut up! It'll be easier for you!» Boromir was beginning to loose his patience with ring bearer, having just received a swift kick down below, he was not the least bit sympathetic when Frodo had finally been tied up and placed accordingly inside the catapult. «... and for my head.» He added as an after thought, trying to blot out the high-pitched screaming emitting from said hobbit's throat.

«HELLLLP! SAAAAM! GANDAALF! STRIDEER! ... Smeagol?»

Massaging his aching head, Boromir pulled back, firing Frodo straight towards the great eye of Sauron. He spent the next three hours nursing a severe headache and occasionally glancing up to watch the tiny, flailing, hobbit hurtling away form him.

«My god, it's finally over.»

**Author's Note: **Not too pleased with this chapter, but hey- I tried and therefore nobody should criticize me! Review, fave, and follow or else Boromir will catapult you to your death. I'm so done for today.


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